a)Cry, a lot.
b)Ask the office if you can work from home, getting up early and working round the kids in the full knowledge that this is the equivalent of running a marathon...at the Olympics.
c)Ring round your friends who are not working and offer all kinds of bribes.
d) Have a big row with your partner about who should take the day off this time round, with all the underlying gender politics about whose job is more important that that throws up.
e)You are very organised and have an emergency back-up plan that isn’t your mum.
2. It’s raining again. The kids are bouncing off the walls, but you have no money left. What do you do?
a)Sob uncontrollably and whisper to yourself.
b)Encourage everyone to go back to bed. Like that’s going to happen...
c)Submit to a “makeover” with all the indignities that entails.
d)Go singing in the rain and look for rainbows. Due to the lack of sun, there are unlikely to be any, but it could take them hours to realise.
e)Get the kids to put on a show for you, something long and complicated like a complete remake of The Chronicles of Narnia.
3. Your teenagers have been bored since day one of the holidays. Every ounce of their bodies is screaming boredom, if they could be bothered to communicate with you. Do you...
a)Tell them that there is no such thing as boredom. They need to use their imagination (your mum used the same line on you, after all, and got a similar response).
b)Buy some black paint and get them to paint the entire house black to the sounds of some loud emo-type music. With any luck it could take them the entire holidays.
c)Have a grunting competition.
d)Play the “I am misunderstood because...” game.
e)Make a list of things they need to find in their rooms. This could take them days.
4. No-one is going to bed before 11pm and your grunting relationship with your partner has been reduced to a nod from the far end of the sofa. How do you regain control?
a)Cry, sob and roll around on the floor.
b)Beg for mercy, using the words “mummy and daddy need to survive the holidays” (NB appeals to empathy rarely work)
c)Talk up the benefits of sleep and the terrible, terrible things that happen if you don’t get enough, eg, they will look like you.
d)Give in. It’s easier – you can always email your partner at work and there are only three weeks to go till the short sharp shock of back to school week.
e)Become like a sergeant major and march everyone to bed, turn the lights off and dream up an awful punishment like banning sweets for a decade if they don’t sleep.
5. There is no food left in the fridge and you have no easy way of getting to the supermarket. Do you...
a)Adopt the panda position and rock yourself gently back and forward until help arrives.
b)Offer your neighbours an early Christmas party invitation in exchange for some rations.
c)Talk about the children’s favourite foods – after all, anticipation is as good as consumption. This is based on positive mind theory eg talking about deserts stops you needing the toilet. I know. It doesn’t work.
d)Get everyone ready for a 20-mile hike to the nearest Lidl – it will fill the day and there are bound to be special offers.
e)Raid the cupboards and make a meal out of raisins, baking soda and tinned spaghetti . You are a culinary genius.
Your score
Mostly as: you are not coping well and need a break before you crack completely.
Mostly bs: you are nearly cracking, but just about hanging in there. Remember: we’re passing the halfway point this week.
Mostly cs: you are a competent juggler of work and family life. Well done, you!
Mostly ds: you are a star and should get a hero mum badge and a song in honour of your brilliance at the very least.
Mostly es: you are clearly lying and think you are a supermum when we all know she doesn’t exist.
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