It is vital for a child’s emotional well-being that he or she forms strong attachments to a small number of key carers. During the formation of these bonds (usually from around 6 months) the child develops an increased fear of strangers. This is all part of normal, healthy development. It is widely acknowledged that children benefit from developing and maintaining those relationships which ‘ground’ them and that having secure attachments enables them (once the clingy phase is over) to be confident enough to explore their environment much more widely than children who are not securely attached are willing to do. In other words, once a child feels securely attached, they have the confidence to branch out on their own, because they don’t need to keep checking that the care-giver has not left them.
Research into this topic has led to a change in working practices by a range of organisations including NHS, Social Services and education. For example, young children have been shown to recover from major illnesses/operations much more quickly if they are not suffering from separation anxiety. This shows that a bit of clinginess is an important part of development and should not be dismissed lightly. However, it can also be crippling if it becomes so extreme that other adults are unable to comfort a child, as it can increase stress levels and reduce support options, which can in turn impact on careers and other family members.
The next time your toddler cries for you and won’t go willingly to another adult, try to stop being annoyed, and be grateful that you have a lovely strong bond. In such a situation, the best thing to do is give him a big hug, reassure him that you’ll be back soon (start practising with small separations such as just going out of the room) and then leave. Don’t prolong the ‘goodbye’ phase as this can develop into a strategy that the child uses to delay your departure. Come back when you said you’d come back and give him a great big hug when you return. Then make the separations longer and he should soon get used to the idea that you will come back. It is believed fear of abandonment is innate and that in order for a child to grow out of the clingy phase, he or she needs to feel sure that you love him/her and that you’ll return.
If the problem persists for more than a few months at a time (it may recur during periods of transition such as moving house/starting school), then it may have become an ingrained habit and need some more focussed strategies in dealing with it.
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