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1. Draw up a list of essential presents. Develop a theme, eg Poundland. Bear in mind that children under 8 have no idea of the value of things. Presents just need to look big. For older children, it has to be something which screams cool, but at a bargain bucket price. Try to convey the idea that giving them the very expensive things that they had on their list would be giving in to the forces of capitalism and would, in some small way, kill a polar bear. NB This may not work.
2. Get everyone to make cards. There must be a programme somewhere on the Internet and if not, there’s always Cbeebies. It will provide hours of distraction. Get out the Pritt and the glitter and evacuate the room. Watch how you find glitter in surprising places for months to come. Alternatively, send only e-cards [see polar bear argument above].
3. When asked to provide a costume of some sort for a Christmas play, do not scream and run away. Breathe deeply and think of creative ways around the problem. Invest in a good but cheap set of face paints. J-Cloths are also very versatile for all sorts of costumes. There are many things that can be done with an egg carton and an old packet of Frosties. Alternatively, scream and run away.
4. If you are trying to negotiate time off for the school Christmas play, book it early. If possible, the year before. If colleagues complain, force them to watch a recording.
5. At the office party, make your mark early and leave. If you do something memorable, people will forget that you left after the first hour. Don’t make it too memorable.
6. If you are doing the Christmas lunch, make sure you sit beside someone you like. Easier said than done.
7. If you are sitting next to someone you don’t like, remain sober and talk mainly about the weather [but not in any political way, eg, climate change. They will inevitably disagree with you].
8. Remember to turn on the oven when cooking the turkey. This is the most essential part of the cooking regime and something Jamie Oliver may forget to mention.
9. Get lots of relatives to sleep over in sleeping bags. It will generate heat and you can turn off the heating, with any luck.
10. Save all wrapping paper and unwanted presents, eg toiletries, in a dust-free zone [if you have such a thing] for recycling in the not too distant future. You know you have really hit middle age when someone gives you toiletries. Ditto a foot spa. Appear very grateful, unless it is your brother – in which case determine to go one better next year and hit him with a bath chair and some denture cream.

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