A doubting day
I am writing with a sinking heart. My husband and youngest daughter beetled off this afternoon to do some shopping and left me with the rare luxury of an EMPTY HOUSE and PEACE and TIME IN WHICH TO WRITE (my biggest complaints). So I dutifully sat down in front of my laptop and got my manuscript up onto the screen – and I was completely devoid of inspiration. Nothing. Nada. I tried to write a few sentences and just felt like I was writing myself into a dead end, so I stopped. I have, I believe, a crisis of confidence; sparked by a couple of things.
Firstly I’ve taken the plunge and sent my initial 30,000 words to the interested agent. This is a risk for two reasons: a) I have quite casually said in my covering letter that I’ve only sent 5 chapters as I didn’t want to overwhelm her and I thought that was enough to give her a feel for the novel. Actually, that’s all I’ve written. If she comes back and asks for more then I’m stuffed. I’ll just have to write quickly. b) If she rejects it then I won’t be bothered to finish it and my enthusiasm will take a severe blow.
You see, she approved a synopsis once before, and loved the examples of writing that I sent her, so I thought – hey, if I can put the two together in a short space of time I really think I’m in with a chance here. I wrote 40,000 words in a week (while juggling my two children, house, etc.) but I paid a price because by the end of the week my eyes didn’t work. Literally. It hurt like anything to move my eyeballs, I’d strained them. And it was all for nothing because then she decided that she didn’t like my idea after all, apparently it was ‘passé’. I was very downcast and didn’t finish the manuscript.
Secondly, I’m doubting whether my main character is likeable enough. I don’t know if I’ve put enough personality in there. And it’s too late because I’ve already sent it. And I’ve sent her a synopsis for the next thing I plan on writing so she may come back and say she wants that instead.
So the upshot is that I have had a completely free afternoon – rare as hens teeth in this household – and have done absolutely nothing productive. And I’m losing faith in my work which CANNOT happen or my writing will be rubbish. Maybe I need to sleep on it and see again in the morning? Hmm.
On the plus side, Holly is back at school which frees up my day a little. Lizzie is back to daytime naps (woohoo!) and my belly-dancing hobby is going very well; I have a lovely, toned stomach. Oh, and quite by chance I have the home email and home number of the interested agent! I sent a courtesy email telling her of a change of mobile number and I got an automated reply with those details because she was working out of the office last week. Thank heaven for small mercies, I suppose.