Maternal guilt

Date: 7:52am, 09 Dec 2011

Guilt. It's a mother thing. The trouble is when you get a mother and her own mother together that makes for a huge guilt sandwich. I have been contemplating this sandwich this week. My mum, who feels guilty about everything she has ever done children-wise, was not feeling too great at the beginning of the week. I, of course, immediately thought that it was possibly stress-induced from looking after the kids, which she does regularly. Looking after four children is no walk in the park, particularly when one is a rather climb-tastic toddler. She, of course, would deny this entirely and thinks she doesn't do enough to help! I, on the other hand, feel I am constantly on the phone to her and have tried to play down the fact that I am usually asking for a favour by beginning with some other subject. But we both know the bottom line is a muffled "help!".

She is the person I ring first when there is an inset day, a sick child when I have a meeting arranged, an interview which can only be done after 4pm when the toddler in on the loose, when there are xmas parties, when there are Nativity plays which the school in its wisdom has decided that only adults can attend [it's okay when it is just the one child, but last year we had to find babysitters for three, all in the one week - and when I say babysitters, I am talking about one babysitter in particular]... I know I should find other sitters. It's just that we live in a little village. The only people I know have children of their own. I don't feel I can ask one person to look after four others, unless they are closely related to me, particularly when one is 18 months old. Plus I don't have time to look since I spend all my time trying to bend over backwards to get through the childcare dilemmas every week throws up. More so at this particular time of year.

Anyhow, it came to pass that this week I was feeling really bad about over-using my mum, who puts 140% into every childcare session, bringing cake mixes and games to play and generally giving the kids a fabulous time. I thought I had solved the Nativity play dilemma this year as the letter from the school didn't say 'no toddlers' like it did last year. I knew they would say no toddlers if I asked, but I figured that if they didn't spell it out I could just turn up and leave if the going got tough [actually the baby is very well behaved in theatrical settings]. However, I had not consulted the small print. It said "adults only".

I rang my mum ostensibly to find out how she was, but knowing there was a big likelihood that I would need to ask her a babysitting favour. Can you believe it, she actually volunteered to babysit before I got to ask her to so it looked as if I was just ringing up to ask how she was and was actually a nice, caring daughter. Oh double guilt.

I do totally care about her, but I do totally need her. My partner's mum is in Spain and very elderly. My brother is up a mountain in Argentina and currently under layers of volcanic ash [my brother never takes the easy route in life] and there are no other relatives nearby who I can exploit. I know she is reading this too as she is my most avid follower. I am expecting a call any minute now from her apologising for being unwell and detailing the hours her sisters put in on childcare with their grandchildren.

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Related tags: Guilt | Mothers