Identity crisis

Many people think of changing their lives when they have children. A lot of families move house and return to their roots or exchange the city for the countryside or a smaller town. But for Andrea moving from London to Somerset when she was 38 weeks pregnant and becoming a mum brought with it huge questions about her identity that triggered post-natal depression.

Andrea, who now has two children aged two years old and nine months, is a senior manager in a leading bank. She had grown up and gone to school in Somerset and had some friends there, but her life was in London.

“None of my friends had small children. I didn't know what facilities there were for children in my area and I had no role models,” she says. “I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I had to stop everything that was part of my previous life. I had no-one to talk to and no-one who could reassure me about what was normal. I was latched onto the baby 24/7 and getting no sleep. It was driving me nuts.” 

Although she did attend ante-natal classes she attended a weekend course outside of her local area as the local classes were scheduled during the week when she was away, so people came from further afield than her local area.

She had a home birth which was “fantastic”, but it meant she didn't see any other mothers in hospital with their babies. “I felt very alone and isolated,” she said. “It was a complete culture shock. I was in mourning for my old life. I thought I was prepared, but I wasn't.” She thinks the identity issues she faced are worse the longer you delay having a baby as “you have more to lose” of your former life.

Andrea also had to face uncertainty about her job. She had always been extremely career focused and enjoyed her job.  When she went on maternity leave from her employer, her job was secure.  Within days of having her baby her team was restructured and her boss left, and suddenly the work part of her life, which had been so important to her, fell apart. 

She then had a disastrous trip to see family in Ireland.  It was hot, the baby cried the whole time, she was not yet confident about breastfeeding in public, there were long queues and she had to beg to sit with her husband. “It was the most traumatic thing. Even though I had flown twice a week for work for man years, all of a sudden it was torture,” she says. “When I arrived I had lost all my confidence.”

When she returned home, she didn't want to leave the house or answer the phone or cook or clean. “I felt as if I was not a capable person,” she says. “I felt trapped and isolated and as if everything I did was wrong.”

Doctor
She spoke to her midwife and health visitor who told her to speak to her GP at the six-week check. The GP ignored it despite the fact that post-natal depression is estimated to affect between 70,000 and 100,000 UK women a year.  “Every time someone asked how I felt I burst into tears,” she says, “but the doctor did not ask.”  Her husband knew something was wrong, but didn't know how to help. As he worked long hours in the construction industry he wasn't aware of the full picture of what was going on. “It took me a while to make a fuss about it,” admits Andrea.

She read books and looked on the internet for local support groups. She couldn't find anything. She sought out self-help books by people who had overcome it, but felt that no-one was in the same situation as her. When her baby was six months old she was feeling worse. “I wasn't functioning,” she says. It was obvious to her husband that something needed to be done. The family booked a relaxing holiday, but that didn't work. 

Andrea went to her doctor and requested counselling. The counselling didn't work as the counsellor didn't know anything about post natal depression and wanted to talk about her past. “I terminated it because it was making me feel worse,” she says. "I wanted to know how to come to terms with being a mum. Looking back on the past might have helped if I had had for ever, but it brought up issues that made me more upset. I wanted to get through today.”

What eventually helped was when she became pregnant for a second time and she was referred to a hospital consultant because for her asthma.  The consultant immediately recognised that she was suffering from post-natal depression and took it seriously. She was referred to a specialist with extensive experience of post natal depression. It made all the difference. "She understood how I felt.  I was given books to read, meditation CDs and taught about 'mindfulness'.  After a few weeks I felt more confident and ready to live again".

Andrea returned to work in London when her son was 11 months old and she was two months' pregnant. Although her job involved a lot of travelling, she had time off for ante-natal appointments. She says work helped and gave her a routine and interaction with other adults. “I felt I had got a bit of my old life back,” she says. Her new boss knew about her depression and was supportive which helped enormously.

Nevertheless, she suffered with post natal depression after having had her second child, although less severely. This time round, though, she was prepared and she got help immediately. “So much of it the first time was down to an identity crisis - I had no idea quite how much my life was going to change when I had a baby”.