Q&A: Anna Mathur on mothers and mental health

Anna Mathur is a psychotherapist who has built a specialism in mothers’ mental health. She hosts a podcast, writes books, and posts on Instagram about this topic, as well as being a practising psychotherapist and coach. She also draws on her own experiences as a mother of three – her children are aged four, seven and eight.

Mathur’s latest book, Raising a Happier Mother, is a practical guide for mothers who want to be more aware of and look after their mental health. In this Q&A, we asked Mathur a mix of questions from ourselves and our readers. These answers have been lightly edited for brevity and clarity.

WM question: How did your focus on mothers’ mental health come about?

“I’d been seeing clients in a classic therapy setting. But after having my second child, I experienced postnatal depression, intrusive thoughts, and postnatal anxiety. The juggle of two children also made it harder to go back to consistent clinical work. So I started sharing a bit about mental health on Instagram. I [shared] my own motherhood experience…against the backdrop of my psychotherapeutic knowledge. So I wouldn’t just share the intrusive thoughts – I would share why we get them and what we can do. It grew from there.”

WM question: What issues do working mothers often bring up with you?

“I commonly hear about guilt around the juggle, and burnout from spreading yourself too thinly. I think a lot of [the pressure to juggle everything] is about how things look on the surface – social media portrays a lot of people who seem to be smashing it at work, while their kids look happy and healthy. And we’re not vulnerable with each other [in real life either.] We see the fruits of everyone’s success, but are we privy to the costs? The impact on marriages and relationships, for example, tends to be hidden.

I also commonly see boundary issues [between work and home]. In this digital world, we have this flexibility where we can send an email while the kids are in the bath, or finish some work while they eat dinner. But actually our brains are having to work so hard – multi-focus and multi-tasking don’t really exist, our brain just has to keep switching between activities, and that’s draining.”

WM question: Your latest book explores how mothers can reframe negative feelings, such as guilt, rather than pushing them away. Can you talk us through that?

“I think all feelings serve a purpose. For example, guilt can be good if you let it do what it should do – it’s there to prompt us to reassess and make changes. 

For example, we might feel guilty about our kids’ screen-time. We can either shame ourselves and say: ‘I’m a terrible mum’, or we can think: ‘What is this guilt prompting me to do?’ You might then decide to set a boundary and say no screens after a certain time. Or you might decide to let them have more screen-time for a while, because they’re off sick and you still need to work. 

Let that guilt prompt you and then it’s served its purpose. Don’t let it fester. The issue comes when we let guilt shame us and we use it to beat ourselves up.”

Reader’s question: A lot of wellbeing advice for mums involves things that take up time – but I feel like I don’t have any time!

“When I talk about rest, I’ll often get mums saying: ‘You don’t know my kids, you don’t know my diary, this isn’t doable for me.’ But some ideas aren’t about finding extra time – they’re about thinking about what we can swap.

Can we sometimes swap scrolling on social media with reading on a Kindle or a book, because looking at social media exhausts our brains and puts our nervous systems on edge? Can we sometimes swap a ‘wind-down wine’, which negatively impacts sleep, for a night-time herbal tea? Can you not rush around the house if you don’t need to – [can you] gift yourself slow movement?”

Reader’s question: How do you cope mentally when your children aren’t nice to you, or even physically hurt you during tantrums?

“First of all, don’t take it personally. It’s an outward expression of an internal emotion, which is probably nothing to do with you. I also think about ‘buying calm’ – for example, I’m going for a walk while I’m doing this phone interview with you, and that might buy me a bit of calm for the school pick-up later today.

Calm is the most important parenting commodity of all. Your children need to borrow your calm because they can’t regulate themselves in the way that we can, and when we’re [depleted], we just join the tantrum as well.” 

Reader’s question: Why do many women see their self-esteem fall when they have children, and how can we start rebuilding it?

I think so much of our identity – and this is reinforced by the culture around us – is in our job, our output, our social life, our earnings, our status. Your identity and self-worth can then really feel challenged when you have a baby.

A big issue [for rebuilding self-esteem] is addressing our internal dialogue. Would you speak to your child, or someone else you care about, in the way that you speak to yourself? 

We also need to let other people behind closed doors [when we’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed]. I once texted a friend who was due to come over to meet my baby, and I said: ‘Don’t come over. I’m a mess.’ Then I took out the ‘Don’t’. I remember thinking: ‘This is what I really need [to say]. This is the right way.’ ”

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You can find more information about Anna Mathur on her website or Instagram page.

You can read the results of workingmums.co.uk’s annual survey of mothers, which contained questions on mental health, here.

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