Two mums talking: after road death

There are lots of different organisations that can help you if your child dies. I’ve tried a few. The best one for me has been Roadpeace, a charity set up to help those who have suffered a road death. They have a very proactive, non-judgemental approach and understand all the ramifications of sudden road death and dealing with the justice system. You’d probably think any organisation dealing with grief wouldn’t be judgemental, but that’s not necessarily the case. Sometimes you get the feeling you are doing it wrong when all you are trying to do is get through the next day, hour, minute. Anyway, Roadpeace doesn’t do this.

This week I finished a trauma programme with them. It’s my second one and it has been really interesting doing it twice as you can see how individuals are responding positively to being able to talk about how they feel, but also understand better their reactions and how they can ease some of the panic. I was on the programme with someone I met on the first one a couple of years ago. She has become a good friend. She was there at the weekend doing part of the four-day sponsored walk with me. We’ve also just recorded a podcast together called Two mums talking: After road death. The first episode went up this Tuesday. Other episodes will load weekly on a Tuesday and will cover everything from how family and friends and work can support parents in this situation to the criminal justice system, what can help and how to help other children through their grief.

For me that has been the hardest thing and also the thing that has kept me going. It is horrible to deal with your own grief, but to see your children going through that too and to feel practically impotent to do anything to help them – apart from be there – is worse. Everyone grieves in different ways. Some people want to talk; others to be distracted; some want to run away or pretend it hasn’t happened; some people want to do a mix of all of these at different times or even, sometimes, at the same time.

And then, of course, you are also still a parent to the child who died. And that can keep you going too because you are their voice within the justice system, for instance, but also you want them to live on in some way. It should be the other way around. They should be remembering you and, of course, I did not know everything that my daughter was. She wouldn’t have wanted me to. But the absolute core of her I knew.

In any event, the podcast aims to help others going through this terrible, often very isolating experience as well as those around them. We hope it will provide some support as well as highlight some of the many issues that come up as a result of road death.

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